I have often heard from others that "God will always provide". For the past couple of years, but especially for the past couple of months, I have been struggling. It seems like I have been struggling everywhere: with my health, my love life, my education, my finances and sometimes, even my faith. I couldn't understand why everything in my life was falling apart around me. In August I had filed for divorce on an irreparable marriage, I was diagnosed with health issues that made me take time off of school and my source of income ran out. All of the things that I felt confident about in my life were gone. I felt and still feel lost and disappointed because I am nowhere near where I want to be in life right now.
This scares the hell out of me! I think this is why I started to spiral downward. I started getting depressed and lost my drive. I didn't realize it at the time but I was becoming depressed. I felt like a failure. I failed my marriage. I failed and had to take time off of school. I couldn't keep my fiances in order. I was afraid of losing my apartment and having to move back home to Sacramento. I was afraid of not being able to afford to eat. I was afraid of being a failure and not being able to make it, not be able to take care of myself.
What I didn't realize was that even though I was struggling, I was still blessed. I just didn't realize it because I was looking at the world the wrong way. I was pitying myself because life wasn't working the way I wanted it to. I had to come to terms with the curve balls that life was throwing at me and find ways to fix the problems because I was the only one who could. I am the only one that can take the responsibility for my mistakes, my dreams and wants. I was the only one that can change my circumstances but I had to keep having FAITH that God would get me there.
That is the hard part. When things are going good in our life, we never seem to have problems praising him for the blessings that he has bestowed upon us but when we struggle it is a totally different feeling. We start to wonder what we did to deserve this. Am I being punished in some way? Then I have to remember that God doesn't punish us like that. That maybe this is a life lesson. That this is a test that I have to pass before I can get to the next point of my life. And I am not a patient person to have to wait for what I need or think I want.
It was funny, yesterday something happened that changed my outlook on life and started to pull me out of this funk. Yesterday, I was faced with a rejection that left me emotionally hurt and I was simply tired of being rejected. Being rejected from jobs and people. I was tired of not being good enough to those around me but especially for not being good enough for myself. A few days ago I had read something about rejection that I had never heard of before. The article stated that maybe rejection is not a bad thing but something to protect us from something bad that could happen to us. Maybe we though that the job was perfect but if we got the job it could cause us much unneeded stress, etc. The one thing about rejection is that our lives actually do not change because of it; just our expectations and that is what we find hard to let go, the expectation of something better or different in our life.
So, last night after I had dropped my nephew off at his father's house, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and I started thinking about my life in a different way. Even though I was struggling, I still had a roof over my head ( was able to pay rent this month), I had clothes on my back, food in my stomach and a small amount of income. I was better off than most at the moment. I was not living a life of luxury but I was still being taken care of and with comfort. I realized that I am better than this. I am better than what I have been thinking of myself and that I was worth a lot more. I am going through a lot right now and every day it seems to be a struggle to get bearings on things. But I know that I will get out on top and that thing will look up when the storm passes. I just have to keep moving forward and put the best of myself out there. That is all I can do. I have to remember to just keep the faith and that in the end God will provide what I need.
This scares the hell out of me! I think this is why I started to spiral downward. I started getting depressed and lost my drive. I didn't realize it at the time but I was becoming depressed. I felt like a failure. I failed my marriage. I failed and had to take time off of school. I couldn't keep my fiances in order. I was afraid of losing my apartment and having to move back home to Sacramento. I was afraid of not being able to afford to eat. I was afraid of being a failure and not being able to make it, not be able to take care of myself.
What I didn't realize was that even though I was struggling, I was still blessed. I just didn't realize it because I was looking at the world the wrong way. I was pitying myself because life wasn't working the way I wanted it to. I had to come to terms with the curve balls that life was throwing at me and find ways to fix the problems because I was the only one who could. I am the only one that can take the responsibility for my mistakes, my dreams and wants. I was the only one that can change my circumstances but I had to keep having FAITH that God would get me there.
That is the hard part. When things are going good in our life, we never seem to have problems praising him for the blessings that he has bestowed upon us but when we struggle it is a totally different feeling. We start to wonder what we did to deserve this. Am I being punished in some way? Then I have to remember that God doesn't punish us like that. That maybe this is a life lesson. That this is a test that I have to pass before I can get to the next point of my life. And I am not a patient person to have to wait for what I need or think I want.
It was funny, yesterday something happened that changed my outlook on life and started to pull me out of this funk. Yesterday, I was faced with a rejection that left me emotionally hurt and I was simply tired of being rejected. Being rejected from jobs and people. I was tired of not being good enough to those around me but especially for not being good enough for myself. A few days ago I had read something about rejection that I had never heard of before. The article stated that maybe rejection is not a bad thing but something to protect us from something bad that could happen to us. Maybe we though that the job was perfect but if we got the job it could cause us much unneeded stress, etc. The one thing about rejection is that our lives actually do not change because of it; just our expectations and that is what we find hard to let go, the expectation of something better or different in our life.
So, last night after I had dropped my nephew off at his father's house, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and I started thinking about my life in a different way. Even though I was struggling, I still had a roof over my head ( was able to pay rent this month), I had clothes on my back, food in my stomach and a small amount of income. I was better off than most at the moment. I was not living a life of luxury but I was still being taken care of and with comfort. I realized that I am better than this. I am better than what I have been thinking of myself and that I was worth a lot more. I am going through a lot right now and every day it seems to be a struggle to get bearings on things. But I know that I will get out on top and that thing will look up when the storm passes. I just have to keep moving forward and put the best of myself out there. That is all I can do. I have to remember to just keep the faith and that in the end God will provide what I need.